Why do I do it? Why do I embarrass myself, lying on the beach? Whilst others look on, donning expensive bikinis with their perfect bodies? A post holiday glow that I could only dream of adorns them already, day one. Their tummys flat, their hips with just the right amount of curve, their breasts pert. Their judgmental looks of disgust skim my pasty white skin. My cellulite-speckled-thighs, too-flabby-stomach, flat boobs, stretch-mark-covered-hips. They probably don’t even realise what they’re doing.
A chorus of, “Are you sure that you want to eat that bagel? That’s a lot of carbs…” My healthy salads are forgotten, it’s as if I haven’t eaten a single piece of fruit, and they focus on my “bad” choices. “Your muscles are aching? Mine don’t…I do more exercise than you though!” You think I don’t know that?
I shut myself in an air conditioned room, reading, listening to music, pacing avoiding the beaches of the “perfect” body, hiding my awful form away. I stick to deep waters when I swim, hoping to hide myself under the crystal clear ocean. I drape myself in long dresses, towels, shawls, hoping to mask my unattractive figure. Watching the clock. Is it too early to retreat?
Why am I here, anyway? Today I wish I was at home, with Him who always makes me feel better, beautiful. But I’m stuck 5000 miles away in the searing heat. My body, boosting the confidence of everyone else around me. And theirs crushing mine.
I have just realised that today is November 1st, the beginning of the many NaNo’s. It is currently 11:03pm, however I do not want to miss my the first post!
I guess I’ll just tell you about my day – you might not find it that interesting, so apologies! Unfortunately David isn’t down this weekend, which makes me sad – but for good reason! It is my Mum’s Birthday today, and he thought it would be nice for her to not have boyfriends milling around (and stealing my attention!) I was woken by Dad at 9am to take the Birthday presents through. Our family tradition is to wake said-Birthday-person with singing, present them with gifts and then make them breakfast in bed of their choice; Mum had croissants.
I was rather pleased with my presents for her this year. Usually she is impossible to buy for! She never gives anything away about what she wants, which makes it kinda difficult…I filled a photo album with a load of photos of her, got a photo of the two of us framed, and bought the latest Miranda Hart book – it looks brilliant! (…I’m not gonna lie, I really got it so that I could read it!)
Next, it was to the kitchen! Talitha and I were prepping the dinner. It was mainly Tilly really, I just peeled the carrots! She made chicken and bacon pie, which is probably my favourite dish. We then practised a couple of potential cover songs, and decided on one to put onto YouTube. (“Flume” by Bon Iver, if you’re interested!)
We had a couple of visitors throughout the day, all bearing gifts and cards, and we popped out for a couple of hours too. My Grandparents came over for dinner which was lovely. I drank several glasses of wine and champagne, and really could use my bed right now…but I am hoping to play a bit of minecraft with the boyfriend before I sleep! …and we all know that a bit, means several hours worth!
It’s now 11:58 and I should get this posted!! Sorry for the poor quality…I will try to be better!