Some holiday thoughts…

body image, personal, weight loss

Why do I do it? Why do I embarrass myself, lying on the beach? Whilst others look on, donning expensive bikinis with their perfect bodies? A post holiday glow that I could only dream of adorns them already, day one. Their tummys flat, their hips with just the right amount of curve, their breasts pert. Their judgmental looks of disgust skim my pasty white skin. My cellulite-speckled-thighs, too-flabby-stomach, flat boobs, stretch-mark-covered-hips. They probably don’t even realise what they’re doing.

A chorus of, “Are you sure that you want to eat that bagel? That’s a lot of carbs…” My healthy salads are forgotten, it’s as if I haven’t eaten a single piece of fruit, and they focus on my “bad” choices. “Your muscles are aching? Mine don’t…I do more exercise than you though!” You think I don’t know that?

I shut myself in an air conditioned room, reading, listening to music, pacing avoiding the beaches of the “perfect” body, hiding my awful form away. I stick to deep waters when I swim, hoping to hide myself under the crystal clear ocean. I drape myself in long dresses, towels, shawls, hoping to mask my unattractive figure. Watching the clock. Is it too early to retreat?

Why am I here, anyway? Today I wish I was at home, with Him who always makes me feel better, beautiful. But I’m stuck 5000 miles away in the searing heat. My body, boosting the confidence of everyone else around me. And theirs crushing mine.

Let’s have a catch up…

Uncategorized

Hello everyone…it’s been a while. I was doing rather well with this blogging malarkey, and then somewhere in the middle of NaNoBloMo I disappeared. Let’s have a catch up…

The past couple of months have been rather eventful! I went on a wonderful shopping trip with the boyfriend. We unfortunately booked our little holiday during the Black Friday sales – unknowingly – and were stuck in the Trafford Centre in Manchester, in the midst of the crazy deal obsessed shoppers! It was okay really, we went to the cinema to escape it all for a little bit, and then shopped on the Saturday. It was worth it for all of the deals that we got! (Let’s just say, my family were spoiled at Christmas!)

My family weren’t the only ones! David was just incredible with his present choices. He spoilt me rotten and I’ve sworn not to ask him how much he spent…I think I can make a good guess though! Among my presents was a mandolin, an electric ukulele, a gorgeous watch, knitting supplies, a Disney song book, a How to Play the Ocarina songbook, Giovanna fletchers “Christmas with Billy and Me”… I could go on for hours! How I managed to get such a wonderful man to even consider dating me, I will never know!

Unfortunately my work situation still hasn’t changed, however I am a little more certain about what sort of job I would like to be applying for. I want to go into social work, preferably in nursing homes for the elderly. I have done my fair share of care type roles in my short life so far, and I have loved it! I think that growing up in the family that I did, has probably helped to shape my decision too – 3 out of my 6 aunt have either adopted or fostered, my mother is a school nurse, one aunt is a full time foster carer, a cousin is a social worker, another aunt is a midwife, my nan is a carer, another aunt is a school nurse, another cousin is training to be a doctor, a sister is training to be a physiotherapist…it’s just in my blood! It might sound like a bit of a silly thing to say, but I believe that it’s true. I know that this country needs carers at the moment, especially in nursing homes, and I want to do my part.

David and I are looking at moving out sooner than later, too. I think the parents are coming around to the idea a little bit more, which is helpful, we just need to do it now! It’s a little daunting, but it needs to happen. I have so much stuff in my room right now, that I have no where to put it all! We kind of started collecting things that we would need when we move – a kettle, a toaster, kitchen supplies, a clock, a T.V. – and right now, I’m attempting to store it all in my bedroom. Things will work out in the end though.

I hope I’ll get back into the blogging – I’m keeping a diary now, too. A present off David. I think it’s helping my creative juices! Speak soon.

The weekend is just on the horizon – really!

blog, nanowrimo, Work

images-1

Do any of you feel like all that you ever do is work? That all of your time is sucked into a never ending working week; the weekend never seems to arrive, and the nights fly past in the blink of an eye? You’re too tired to dream at night, which in return gives you the feeling of sleeplessness. When you do dream, it’s just…weird. Weariness is your companion.

I’ll bet that a lot of you are lucky enough to have varied jobs. Perhaps you work in a school where something new happens every day! You’re doing something you love, you’re inspiring young people, you’re doing good. Maybe you work in the media. That seems like it would be a rather enjoyable job. You radio presenters all sound like you’re having a whale of a time in your little D.J. booths, laughing away with the latest celeb that you’re interviewing. Not that I’m bitter or anything.

You are lucky.

Some of you will be just like me. We work in a factory, the lowest of jobs. In despatch. The most monotonous of work. Picking. Packing. Labelling. Repeat. What good are we doing? You’re colleagues are real bundles of joy, complaining about every little thing with their double standards.

Who’s in charge of health and safety around here? Can’t they get us a bloody ladder that doesn’t f•••ing feel like it’s gonna break on me??

Oh, so now we have to wear high vis’? And hard hats? I don’t want to wear those!

And their wonderful break time conversations. Perhaps, like me, you sit alone at lunch. You don’t fit in with that lot; they don’t like you and you don’t like their conversations. About women. About how women are incompetent. About how women’s feelings are irrelevant. How women are good for nothing – except for a good f–! Oh.

Maybe you want to have a real conversation, an intelligent conversation -one that doesn’t involve porn, sex or drugs. Perhaps you want to have your beliefs challenged, you want to learn something new, you want to expand your mind. But you can’t.

You live for the evenings – the short, short evenings; you live for the always distant weekends. But they never come for long.

NaNoWriMo, NaBloPoMo, NaNoPoMo…..

blog, personal

I have just realised that today is November 1st, the beginning of the many NaNo’s. It is currently 11:03pm, however I do not want to miss my the first post!

I guess I’ll just tell you about my day – you might not find it that interesting, so apologies! Unfortunately David isn’t down this weekend, which makes me sad – but for good reason! It is my Mum’s Birthday today, and he thought it would be nice for her to not have boyfriends milling around (and stealing my attention!) I was woken by Dad at 9am to take the Birthday presents through. Our family tradition is to wake said-Birthday-person with singing, present them with gifts and then make them breakfast in bed of their choice; Mum had croissants.

I was rather pleased with my presents for her this year. Usually she is impossible to buy for! She never gives anything away about what she wants, which makes it kinda difficult…I filled a photo album with a load of photos of her, got a photo of the two of us framed, and bought the latest Miranda Hart book – it looks brilliant! (…I’m not gonna lie, I really got it so that I could read it!)

Next, it was to the kitchen! Talitha and I were prepping the dinner. It was mainly Tilly really, I just peeled the carrots! She made chicken and bacon pie, which is probably my favourite dish. We then practised a couple of potential cover songs, and decided on one to put onto YouTube. (“Flume” by Bon Iver, if you’re interested!)

We had a couple of visitors throughout the day, all bearing gifts and cards, and we popped out for a couple of hours too. My Grandparents came over for dinner which was lovely. I drank several glasses of wine and champagne, and really could use my bed right now…but I am hoping to play a bit of minecraft with the boyfriend before I sleep! …and we all know that a bit, means several hours worth!

It’s now 11:58 and I should get this posted!! Sorry for the poor quality…I will try to be better!